Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Battlecolon Los Angeles


Battle: Los Apathy

or

at least Skyline made me laugh.


So Aaron Eckhart does his best impression of Harrison Ford looking glum and Michelle Rodriguez has more balls than the rest of the cast put together. If that's enough to get your juices flowing, prepare to blow your load early cause that's Battle: Los Angeles : The Movie: All of it.

Aliens travel inside meteorites and invade our coasts and CNN get's the scoop because they have really dedicated reporters. The aliens are hostile and really bad at aiming their swirly rockets but this is PG-13 anyway so what was I expecting. Some helpful scientists on the TV quickly conclude that it's totally our water that the aliens are after. It's their fuel or something and hey, at least they're not allergic to it this time.

And because water is like, super uncommon even though Titan, Europa, Enceladus and such are basically made out of that stuff and water is composed of the two most abundant elements in the universe- but I'm making more sense here than the movie does. I should just stop.

Here's the deal: It's boring as fuck. There's not a single good shot in it, all the cool stuff happens off-screen, when the marines aren't racist they're sexist and if they're neither that's because they're dead. I might have fallen asleep somewhere in the middle but since I didn't feel I missed anything important it doesn't really matter.

Actually, it's not just boring. It's also pretty stupid. Quite how did that huge ship get under the concrete? We'll never know. Their weakness is being shot in the chest? That must've taken a lot of work to find out.

And if you thought Independence Day had a stupid way to kill the mothership, no. I'm just going to spoil this, there's really no need to see it for yourself: They shoot a surface-to-air missile at it.

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